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Unread June 9th, 2006, 09:55 PM
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Former DTSM Former DTSM is offline
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Guide for the video store customer

Scenario One: Calling the video store.

If you need to call your local video store to find out if they have a title in stock it's best to explain what you are doing in an indirect way first so that the person on the other end of the line has some idea of what to expect. Try something like:

You: "Um, I was calling...

(the clerk may have picked up the phone as a Pavlovian like response to the sound of the ringing bell without even realizing that they were answering a phone call so a reminder that he/she is participating in a phone call is necessary here)

... to see if you had a movie in."

(Don't divulge any sensitive information at this point. Details such as the title of the movie, whether you want a DVD or VHS copy and whether you want to rent or buy a copy can be hashed out later. For now you've succeeded in laying the groundwork and the ball is in their court)

The voice on the other end of the line might say something similar to:


Video Store Clerk: "Ok(?) ...what movie are you looking for?"

You will now want to give as much information to this person as possible before you mention the title of the film. For Example:

You: "Well, it's an old tale that had [some actor] in it, in fact it was one of the first films he made and it won an award right around the same time that Calvin Coolidge was elected and it was a bit controversial because the main character wore a suit jacket, shirt and pants without suspenders which was very unusual at that time. The custom was to wear suspenders anytime you wore a suit jacket. Anyone who didn't was considered to be..........etc. etc. ... and the name of it was..."

To be sure it's an old movie, but it's been shown on TV before right? If it's been on television before then it's definitely available on video. That's how it works. And if it's available on video there is no conceivable reason why the first place that you call in your local area would not have at least a couple of copies of it. It's part of the public record now and that's what your video store is there for, to archive every second of footage ever shot and transmitted across the airwaves.

You: "...'The Fatty Patty Brumbelow Story: A play by play of the 1939 city council election in Sheboygan, Michigan.' "

Video Store Employee: "...Well... , there's no match in the system. I've never heard of that before to be honest. It might not have been made available on video."

Now let's be fair here. The person who answered the phone might not be familiar with the movie you seek, but they should still know of some other outlet that can deliver, so be sure to ask for a referral. For example:


You: "Well... Do you know who would have it?"

Video Store Employee: "You should try 'I've Never Heard Of That Before Video.' They carry all kinds of videos that i have never heard of before."

You: "Do you have their number?"


Scenario Two: Upon entering the video store.

When you enter a video store it's not unlikely that someone will greet you with a friendly, if not sincere. "Hello!" Don't worry; pay no attention. The person who offered this greeting, sincerely or not, is of no consequence and you can safely ignore them because if you require their assistance later, they will surely have forgotten your indifference by then. However, if you already have something specific in mind then this is the perfect opportunity to blurt out a phrase which that person will surely intuitively know is a the title of a particular movie in a particular format that you are obviously looking for and being the professional that he/she is will already know the immediate, up to the second status of the particular item that you seek.

If you can't get instant gratification upon entering the store then you might have to actually browse the display shelves in an attempt to find the title that you are looking for. At this point, your only option is to give the once over to the first place that you look and if you don't spot it, then the system must be screwed up and you must make a representative of the company aware of your indignation. You're not in grade-school anymore, right? "What the F*#@! is this 'alphabetical' bullsh&%it!?"

Even though a clerk may be busy speaking to another customer or actively listening to a customer don't let that stop you from shouting a question directly at the clerk. Same thing goes if the clerk is on the phone.


Scenario Three: Membership

If you need to establish a rental account with the store don't do it when you have free time. Wait until you are in a hurry and let everyone in the store know that you are in a hurry. Take your time and browse the entire store in a leisurely manner BEFORE you ask about becoming a member. Go ahead, take your time, getting a membership card will only take a few seconds. Heck, probably less than a few seconds after you let them know you're in a hurry. Don't worry about what the membership "requirements" are, after all you have a right to rent a movie from them. It's like a law or something. They might have some kind of form they want you to fill out. Before you write anything on it, ask if you have to fill out the whole page. Some of the fields on the form are just there so that the page won't look so empty.

Scenario Four: Blockbuster Card? WTF?

During the hottest days of summer, be sure to wear a tank top while shopping for movies so that you can tuck any items that you are going to rent into to your greasy armpit. When you hand these items over to the employees it will increase their tolerance for rancid odors and build their immunity to disease.

While you rifle through your wallet looking for your 'Card', (by the way, wouldn't this be an excellent time to clean out your wallet? Just lay it all out on the counter and ponder each scrap of paper as you dislodge it.) say something like "what do you need?" It shouldn't be much. Maybe just a first name or some random number that you just thought of that will identify you in case you decide to return your rental item. What are DVD's worth now? Like .25 cents a piece or something? You'll probably do them a 'solid' and return the DVD's that you are renting but if not, who gives a crap right?

Now that you're on your way out of the store, be sure to say "beep beep beep" repeatedly in a ridiculous high pitched falsetto as you pass through the security system. You might not see anyone laughing along with you but trust me, IT"S HILARIOUS! Everyone else is just uncomfortable publicly recognizing the originality of the bold social commentary you have just made. Although their faces don't show it, they're all belly-laughing on the inside and they recognize your genius.
  #2  
Unread June 9th, 2006, 10:11 PM
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HAHAHAHA, nice. welcome to IHBB!!!!!!!!!!
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  #3  
Unread June 9th, 2006, 10:47 PM
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with wit like this, i hope you stick around. we love sarcasm and satire. well down, hon.
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Unread June 10th, 2006, 11:32 AM
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Looking forward to more stories that are so true, well explained!
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  #5  
Unread June 10th, 2006, 12:05 PM
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Hey that was pretty funny!
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  #6  
Unread June 10th, 2006, 03:23 PM
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Hahahahaha! Lovely.
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  #7  
Unread February 24th, 2007, 01:44 AM
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Former DTSM Former DTSM is offline
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Scenario 5: You guys used to...

If you are returning to your local video store to rent/buy something again that you rented/bought years ago on your last visit and an employee asks if they can help you find something, be sure to preface your query with the the phrase "You guys used to have..."

Video store employees are huge fans of nostalgia and most of them have worked at this particular video store since VHS was invented and are familiar with all products on offer past and present and they will eagerly seize this opportunity to reminisce about products past.

If the clerk claims that the store no longer carries the item in question, then ask for it again but this time make damn sure that they understand that the store USED TO CARRY IT, but remember to add "Are you sure?" before dropping the 'used to carry it' bomb so that the clerk has an opportunity to save face before retrieving your video.

If the clerk is still unwilling to produce the item then it is time to find out why?? they no longer have it. The clerk not only has a direct line of communication with the upper eschelon of the corporate decision makers who decide what you as a customer personally have access to, but they are also responsible for replacing every precious two-hourish piece of videoentertainment that your cousin rented months ago and never returned whether it be Chariots of Fire, Corvette Summer or D.C. Cab.

If the clerk claims that they could not possibly have a copy of every title ever produced then be sure to let him or her know that they just lost four dollars and that lots of people would rent Ishtar if only they would stock it and that even if nobody has asked them for that particular title in years, if it was sitting there on the shelf customers would see it and think "Hmm... Leonard Part 6. We really ought to rent that even though we hated it when we were dumb enough to see it at the theater in 1987 and thought it totally sucked balls."
  #8  
Unread February 24th, 2007, 02:21 AM
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Fabulous, welcome back sweetie
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  #9  
Unread February 24th, 2007, 09:54 AM
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This is made of win.
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  #10  
Unread February 24th, 2007, 10:02 AM
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for the record, its Cheboygan, Michigan.
 

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